We've got a very special Five Bucks to Friday today. The other day, I got my fall Notre Dame catalog - 24 pages of sweet, sweet licensed material. I've made comments on it in the past, and I've even pasted a picture up from it way back in the day, but today we're going in depth. Speaking as both an alum and someone who trends toward curmudgeon, I'm aghast at some of the shit that makes it into this catalog (and I'll again link back to the page with that brutal Von Dutch rip-off, just for the hell of it). But, trying to think positively, I'll outline some of the good stuff also. First off, here's the cover.

As you can see, I approve. Let's dive in, shall we?

We begin with the Big Game Polo, Charlie's dress uni for every game. It's available sizes S-XXL. I'm guessing Charlie gets the XXL. Anyway, not a terrible start, although, note the ND inside the shield on Charlie's voluptuous left bosom. I've always thought that thing looks like the WB logo. It's been a mainstay since '97, when Adidas bought out Champion as our supplier - a move I didn't like at the time and still don't care much for. (I believe, until that time, Champion had been the only supplier we'd ever used - I hate turning my back on stuff like that.)

The catalog, for the most part, uses the same five models over and over again in the men's section. There's Black Guy, Young White Guy, Asian Guy, Old White Guy 1, and Old White Guy 2. This is Old White Guy 1, and he's the go-to model for golf polos. But here, he is all decked out for cheer practice or something. I have a general rule when I encounter people wearing ND stuff and whether or not they get the Go Irish from me - one logo = fan, two logos = alumni. Fans only get the Go Irish on gameday, alum typically get the Go Irish whatever the situation. This guy has four logos, possibly more depending on his undergarments. Four logos = escaped mental patient.

So much is wrong here. This guy looks like an If They Mated between Mr. Bean and Zibby. Worse, he's photoshopped onto the field, with the team standing on the sidelines before him. And he's got a long-sleeved t-shirt on under his jersey, and is wearing jeans. What, no Adidas sweatpants? Anyway, the replica jerseys are $50 - the official ones, that I skipped over, are an incredible $200. Yowza.

I don't mind this one - one of their better new designs. And plays on Charlie's name are unstoppable as the Borg, so I m'ise well give in. I don't know why there's an old-time football team in leather helmets, though. Curious.

Here's where things get really brutal - the hats. We begin with this masterpiece: Notre Dame! The official collitch football team of the Chicago White Sox!

A huge step up, but if you need help tearing your hat up, you're not trying hard enough.

This one's not bad, but the plaid inside the shamrock? One design element too many. Know when to say when, guys.

This one gets a lot of flack on the Nation boards.. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I don't hate it. I can see why you would, but I'm not too broken up about cartooning- and toughening-up the Leprechaun. You'd never catch me wearing this, but I don't hate it.

This one, though... This one is the fucking enemy. This is brutal. You've got three interlocking NDs, you've got blue, green and white, you've got an attempt (?) at graffiti, and then another inexplicable guy from the leather-helmet days... Also, its name is the "Rage Stretch Fit Cap." Just a terrible job all the way around. This actually displaces a hat I had in ninth grade as the most hideous ND hat I've ever seen. Next time I'm Upstate, I'll see if that old hat's still around - it was unforgiveable.

Found it:

Yeesh. Tragically, not even the fiftieth-worst fashion decision Ninth-grade Bullfrog made.

This guy really wants you to play like a champion today. Check out the brim of that cap - a corner is gold, and I think that's the interlocking ND (could be the interlocking inside the shamrock that is for some reason on his shirt). And, again, a dude on the field. Where's Tim McCarthy when you need him?

I'm only including that third sweatshirt because it really completes the folding trifecta that Adidas is going for here - what a strange way to present your wares. Some focused research must've came back with data suggesting people are more likely to buy a sweatshirt that's bowing at you like the maitre d' from an old Warner Brothers cartoon.

Now to the individual sweatshirts - the first one is pretty solid, but ruined by the tiny Play Like a Champ sign on the sleeve, and the blue inside the shamrock. Just let the natural color of the sweatshirt show there, it would really look much better. And what - the - hell is with that patch on the sleeve? I almost said cuff, but it's not ever really on the cuff. It's like where QBs wear those wristbands with all the plays written on it. In which case, this would be a perfect artifact from the Willingham days. Brady's back there trying to direct the game-tying drive against Pittsburgh (because that's totally a situation we'd find ourselves in under Ty's watch). Ty's on the sideline looking stoic and thinking about golf, not calling in a play. Diedrich is signalling for Grant up the middle. Desperate, Brady looks to his plays - and sees only Play Like a Champion Today. And then we get a delay of game.

Anyway, the middle one - what a fucking train wreck that one is. It looks like what I imagine the coaches in Arena Football to wear. The solid racing stripe is bad enough, but then you throw in the one on the hood and you get what comic book superheroes in the 90s wore on their off-days. But then to write Notre Dame in the hood stripe? Wow. I'm not even capable of addressing the Play Like a Champ inside the shamrock thing.. It's like they just decided to put every ND symbol they could on one sweatshirt. Blue, check. Gold, check. Green - check, with the shamrock. I'd be surprised if the Brawling Leprechaun weren't wearing a 10 jersey on the back.

I wonder if the decision to have the black guy wear a "Black Shirts" shirt was made by a racist camera guy who thought it would be funny, or a marketing exec who thought it would be racist to have a white guy wearing it. Either way, we're not fucking Nebraska and this shirt should not exist. (Explanation to anyone still reading this far who doesn't know collitch football - Nebraska's defense is often called the black shirts for a reason I used to know and don't really care to Google at the moment. They're the only ones that do this, so I don't know why we'd horn in on it. Also, Nebraska sucks right now, so I don't know why we'd want to emulate them.)

The attitude is all Irish - the font is all pointy! What is the deal with that? Are we marketing to the death metal crowd? Brutal.

Oh no, the leprechaun's had an interlocking ND jammed straight through his center mass! Again, one design element too many. (Full disclosure - I have a green on green version of this shirt, but without the ND through center mass, and I believe without the eyes... Ron wears it a lot, it's my gameday shirt when I'm at home.)

Oh, God, this is beyond terrible. Not even the much-maligned Katie would wear this disaster. Crikey. Whoever made it should be shot and killed and fed to leeches.

I actually approve of all of these. ND's lady's department has really gone up in quality since I've left. I don't even think they sell pajama pants anymore (a lie - they sell everything they can). Expect Jen to sport some of these at some point. Interested parties can order at 1-800-647-4641, the ringer tees are 16E, item A0616E.

This, also, I approve of. That's really pretty cute, and it's a solid alternative to dressing your kid up like a cheerleader.

And now for the grand finale - the Game Day t-shirts. These things are without exception horrible. The only thing worse are the shirts the bookstore churns out immediately following a victory, which I will keep you posted on throughout the season. Anyway, you've got the group shot here because I again find the folding method bizarre, and I'll now walk you through some especially terrible ones.

Not terrible, but certainly not good. I just now noticed the 'Two Teams -- to a Gridiron' bit, which clears things up. I was really confused why we used one of Georgia Tech's nicknames as the catchphrase for the shirt. Also, I think this is the first year we've made gameday shirts for the road games. I've always figured these shirts were made to sell to the families and fans on campus for their one game a year or whatever - I really doubt we're able to sell these things on the Tech campus. Bizarre.

House Rock Built already did a great post on this, so I will simply say 'what the fuck?'

I have no idea what this means. Purdue's the Engineers - shouldn't it say 'All Aboard the Pain Train' or something? I get the feeling the designer was taking a shot at Purdue with this shirt, but hell if I can figure out what it may be.

Why the hell is this orange?! That makes no freaking sense! We're not playing Tennessee or Syracuse or Clemson even. Orange?! Terrible job.

Being back means never having to bring up the fact you've beaten Navy 42 times in a row on a t-shirt. Clearly, we're not there yet.

A game so unanticipated, even the designer couldn't think of anything "clever" for the t-shirt. Again, I get the feeling that perhaps this shirt means something, but I have no idea what.

Possible things this shirt is referring: Band on the Run; NCAA president Miles Brand; Charles in Charge. Ostensibly, football. What in God's name does this mean? Can anyone tell me?

Way to make our biggest rivalry look like a Monty Python animated short. Seriously, well done.