Comic for Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

Posted: 7:10 am, Tuesday, October 4, 2005

OK, hopefully this one makes more sense than yesterday's. 2.0 and MNP both asked about yesterday's strip - I guess Jen picking nits with Ron over the proper name of the institution of higher learning that Pete is squatting law classes from was funny to me and no one else. I'll try harder in the future! 2.0 says the crux of the strip was missed because Ron seemed to be just ranting for no clear reason, and if I had backtracked a bit to the strips from last week, it would've made more sense. I will chalk this up as a less good version of Drink at Work's Comic Writing 101 series.

Anyway, I'm going to rattle off some links here and then go on to my (now) annual playoff preview.

CNNSI has a new thing where they put up an animation of a coach's playbook to illustrate the play of the week. This week's play of the week is a run up the middle. What genius was required to draw that play up, I'll never know. I'm not sure if this feature is the play of the week or the USC play of the week, because last week (the first that I noticed this thing, which in all likelihood means the first that they had it, since I'm what we in the industry call 'a regular' and what those outside of the industry call 'an obsessed crazy person who looks at the site 45 times a day' at CNNSI) was a Reggie Bush run. I'm assuming that it is the USC play of the week, because there's no beating this guy right here for the highlight reel.

Sweet little sushi platter at PVP, unless he's already dumped the blog to the archives, in which case you'll have to search for it.

Grafe sent me this great article from the LA Times about the correlation between being a person of stringent dogmatic faith and being a fucking derelict. While the article notes that correlation is not causation, it's still awfully damned, well, damning. Remember the word 'kakistocracy' that Savage Love introduced us all to about a year ago? We are living in one!

And now, for the second year in a row, the Five Bucks to Friday baseball postseason preview! I've got to warn you, I paid much less attention to the national league this year than I did last, and I kind of considered the AL West to be a desolate train wreck of a division. Also, my fantasy team finished nine out of ten, and my co-GM work buddy Ivor and I made a whopping twelve roster moves in a league that seemed to average around 50. On the other hand, last year's preview involved the train from Enron Field killing Roger Clemens. So it doesn't really matter how much I followed the senior circuit, as everything's going to end in a Godzilla attack, anyway.

Alright, so, things get started today with the Cards and the Padres. The Cards won 100 games, the Padres, 82. I shudder to think what hell #15 will call upon this site from all her crazy Cardinal message boards if I predict, even jokingly, a Padres upset in this round. Although it would be kind of funny for her to eventually have reason to absolutely hate all other 25 or so major-league cities because one of their teams beat the Cards at some critical point in time. And as I can't really think of any other reason to hate San Diego - although 2.0 gripes that it is, and I quote, "too clean" - what the hell, let's call for the Padres.

Sox and the Pale Hosiery of Chicago. I never thought I'd say this, but the Sox actually have the advantage in the managerial match-up here by virtue of Terry Francona merely being kind of oblivious and Ozzie Guillen being batshit crazy. This guy makes Zell Miller look calm. Add to that the fact that Jose Contreras, the guy that somehow served to reignite the Sox-Goat Fuckers rivalry to Fisk-Munson proportions, is the game one starter for the Pale Sox, and I am actually going to say that I like the Sox in this one. Carl Everett will shock the world by showing up to the games with a bat hewn from the femur of a Tyrannosaurus from the Field Museum that he will have stolen as some sort of protest that dinosaurs were made-up that will make perfect sense to him and leave everyone else wondering, "dood, wtf?" He will be arrested for this transgression, which, given his post-All-star break stats, will actually help the White Sox. Nevertheless, I don't think they've got the horses to beat Boston, even though I have said innumerable times in the past week, "They play like a bunch of corpses," and, "I have never seen a team fail to get up for a big game as often as the 2005 Red Sox."

The Los Angeles Dodgers of Anaheim Angel Fame will lose to the Goat Fuckers because, 2002 notwithstanding, they are losers. Any team that changes not its name but the name of its city for marketing purposes is pathetic. It reminds me of this chick I knew from collitch who was from sound of Chambana and said she was from "near Chicago." No, you weren't. You were over two hours away from Chicago. You're officially from the middle of nowhere.

What's the other series? Oh, the Braves and Astros, right. The Astros will win this, despite not scoring a run in support of their pitchers at any point in time. Elias Sports Bureau will be so distraught trying to research if this has ever happened before that they will torch the building for insurance money, and run far, far away.

Alright, so that gives us the Sox and Goat Fuckers in the ALCS for the third straight year. Things begin to go badly for the Goat Fuckers when they pull ahead 1-0 in the first inning on a crap single by Jeter that Millar misplays into a home run. So conscious of Mariano Rivera's inability to close a game late, in a pressure situation, against the Sox, Torre will bring him in in the second. Rivera will throw three shutout innings, and then his arm will fall off, forcing Torre to go to Jaret "Big Game" Wright. The Sox will come back to win. In the course of the win, Matt Clement will throw a pitch that comes within three feet of Hideki Matsui's head, so shaking the left fielder that he immediately retires from baseball, forcing Torre to tab Tony "Worst Season by a Baseball Player in History" Womack as the left fielder for the rest of the series. Aaron Small will get the start in game two, and it the clock will finally strike midnight for this career journeyman, as he gives up back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back grand slams. An outraged Steinbrenner will fire Buck Showalter. Michael Kay will point out that Jeter's defensive range is much better than his detractors give him credit for. A-Rod will be awarded the AL MVP award, a gold glove, and, for lack of an actual candidate, the Cy Young. After a tight game three loss in which Wake finally beats Randy Johnson, the New York media will frantically remind everyone about last year's series, where the Goat Fuckers epically committed the most egregious chokejob in the history of organized sports. I will be greeted with jeers of 1918 all day in the office. I will be amused. The Red Sox will win game 4 by a score of 17-1, which will be the third time this season that they beat the Goat Fuckers by that score. This guy at the bar will still mock me for being a Sox fan. I will still be amused.

The Padres and the Astros will face off in the series that could not possibly interest anyone outside of Texas or San Diego, and not even really the people in San Diego, because the weather's very pleasant there and who could bother to worry about baseball with weather like that? Roger Clemens will at last reveal himself to be Satan, and Andy Pettite will rechristen himself Wormwood. Honestly, I don't know enough about either of these teams to even mock them. The Padres, I think, still have Dave Roberts, and you get me to say anything less that idolatrous about that man, so they will win.

In fact, Dave Roberts will factor very heavily in the World Series, as, in the ninth inning of a scoreless game one, he settles underneath a routine fly to center off the bat of Manny, and, at the last second, will simply not catch it. Manny, of course, will not have left the batter's box yet, and David Ortiz will have to tell him to start running the bases. Manny will not understand. By this time, the other outfielders will have closed in on the ball, and Dave Roberts will produce a folding chair from out of nowhere and beat them over the head with it. Tim McCarver will be talking about Derek Jeter's intangibles at this point. Eventually, Manny will round the bases, while Dave Roberts stages a noble one-on-eight battle to keep the other Padres players away from the ball. Bruce Bochy will demand disciplinarian action to be taken by the league in the aftermath of this, but since Roberts is officially on the Padres payroll, Selig will not do anything. The position players for the Pads will all be battered and bruised, and some limbs will have been broken during the melee (Roberts was born in Japan and is ten ninjas), and the rest of the series will be a cakewalk for the Sox, so much so that Kevin Millar will log time at each position, including announcer's booth and second-base ump, and it will not adversely affect the Sox in the slightest.

But Bullfrog, you say, you promised a Godzilla attack! So I did, gentle reader. The Sox, you may recall, used amphibious assault vehicles for some reason or another during their victory parade last year. Trying to one-up themselves on that one, they will rent out Godzilla to carry the back-to-back World Champs through the streets of Boston. Suffice to say, things will not go according to plan on that one.

But, hey, Sox win. So that's pretty cool.

bullfrog

Ah, all fixed. Sorry if anyone was confused by the presence of yesterday's comments here. I was having trouble reconnecting with my hosting service (or something), but it's all better now. All you missed was me saying this exact thing. Also, E dropped a link yesterday after five, and probably most of my readership drops off after the workday, so in case you're interested..

that's a good, funny & ideal scenario. the sox are losing to the black sox right now: 5 to nil. to make it thru the 1st round, will not be easy, but i think we can get past it in 5 games (hopefully). i love the bit about millar turning jeter's cheap hit into a homerun. you really COULD see that happening!

Hmm. I actually like seeing people predict the Padres. Just because every single sports writer seems to be picking the Cardinals. Makes me nervous; any team can be dangerous in a short series... Ugh, the playoffs are so stressful. Last night Keith Hernandez invaded my dreams over and over; this CAN'T be a good thing.

However, today's game reassured me a bit. However. If today's Cards and Red Sox games are anything to go by, both our teams need to step up the pitching a LOT. Well, maybe they're just getting it out of their systems now? We can hope, anyway...

well the red sox played terrible: 12-2.

John Rooney and Ed Farmer were pretty much giddy on my drive home from work today.