Comic for Monday, July 2nd, 2007

Posted: 7:00 am, Monday, July 2nd

Alright, pre-Cana, done! Outstanding. It really wasn't all that bad at all. It clocked in at about three hours less than I thought it was going to be - an hour and a half instead of two hours on Friday night, and then it ended at like two thirty instead of five on Saturday. Awesome, awesome. Friday was mostly a service with a super-long homily from this priest from Saint Anselm's (important only because my father is completely obsessed with this small collitch up in New Hampshire called Saint Anselm's). He was actually pretty funny, and just talked at us. Of course, then he congratulated us for getting married and railed briefly against gay marriage. Not cool, but really I wasn't surprised by it at all. Then there was a bit about how we need to have a ton of kids to keep the pews full. Which brought him to this absolutely awful and uncalled-for crack at Muslims. I guess out wherever the hell Saint Anselm's is, there's a bunch of Muslims in the neighborhood. "We need to have kids to take the neighborhood back - we Catholics built Brooklyn, and now the Muslims are moving in. And they've got a ton of kids, good for them, but they're nasty. They're just nasty to me, so I'm nasty right back at them." Great attitude for a fucking priest to have, champ. Thankfully, no one laughed at that, at all. 2.0 and I tore into him on the little feedback thing at the end of the class. The Saturday session was run by a nice couple that have been married for 35 years, and it was mostly them talking to us. Really, I thought the whole thing would be more workshop-y. We had a workbook that we had to write down answers in after each section, but aside from that, it was a really passive experience. Oh, the only weird thing the couple said was the guy got going about how they've taken God out of the schools now, and in the Fifties, we called that Communism. Um, OK.

Speaking of hate and intolerance, check out this crazy shit (the bottom row, specifically). I had no idea my good friends from Westboro Baptist were in New York last year. I can't believe they had the guts to ride the 7 train. Wild. I don't know if they are more or less offensive to me than Ann Coulter.

Anyway, back to the wedding stuff, I've been holding off on talking about it at all, because I refuse to pretend that anyone is interested about it in the slightest. But I don't really have much else to write about today, so here we go. Things are coming along very well with all our plans - we've got a place, a church, a caterer, a DJ, a photographer, and other stuff that I can't really remember right now. The best men have been tabbed, the best ladies know who they are, too, and my mother keeps requesting that the DJ play Abba's Dancing Queen.

Here's our save-the-date announcement, with identities changed to protect the innocent:

I'm not wearing lipstick, it's just I had to play with the contrast a lot. I am drinking a 40, though. Classy! The wedding is not actually a Pig Roast, that's an inside joke. Half of the invitees think that we're roasting a pig on a spit at the thing, which I would be totally jazzed about, but, no. I just thought it would be cool to make the announcement look like a rock poster, and that Pig Roast should be the name of the band. I had thought about listing Reggie Ho and 2.0's maid o' honor as the openers, in the area where our names are, but then if I had to put *our* names up top, we'd sound like a folk group.

We met with a DJ a week or two ago. We'd already met with one, but we weren't big on the music list he gave us, saying that we *needed* to play a lot of standards. As regulars know, I spend a lot of time thinking about music, as does 2.0. And some of that time spent thinking about music is spent thinking about crappy music, and, lo and behold, a lot of that crappy music was on this playlist. So, really nice guy, and I feel bad, but we're going to go with another dude. We had a wedding planner help us find the place we're getting married at, and then she gave us the name of a caterer and a DJ, which was kind of way above and beyond what she actually had to do. So we gave this dude a call and he made us a mix CD as his audition, basically. This is the tracklist:

1. My Baby Just Cares For Me, Nina Simone
2. All of Me, Emmet Ray
3. Billie Jean, Caetano Veloso (a Brazilian guy that plays with David Byrne a lot - really awesome cover)
4. Spaceboy, the Smashing Pumpkins
5. I Don't Know, the Beastie Boys
6. Arc of Time, Bright Eyes
7. Black Swan, Thom Yorke
8. Dracula's Wedding, Outkast
9. Sometimes I Rhyme Slow, Nice and Smooth
10. Cellphone's Dead, Beck
11. Save it For Later, the English Beat
12. If I Ever Feel Better, Phoenix
13. Saturdays, Cut Copy
14. I Wanna Be Your Lover, Prince
15. Hot n' Cold, the Basement Jaxx
16. El Scorcho, Weezer

2.0 is not half-Japanese, but aside from that, that tracklist is right up our alley. Good times. Anyway, that'll be all the mentioning of the Pig Roast here, I'll probably update in the Museum entry or something if stuff comes up. See? I knew you weren't interested.

bullfrog

Bullfrog -- Monday, July 2 2007, 09:39 am

More Spice Girl goodness over at Go Fug.

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2007/06/spice-up-your-f.html

I hadn't even considered if they'd make Sporty wear tracksuits and jerseys again.

Baseball Prospectus breaks out of their norm and reviews the iPhone.

http://baseballprospectus.com/unfiltered/?p=430

The video for that new Pumpkins song that's been floating around for a month or so is out. It's pretty goofy, but I think intentionally so (hard to tell with Billy these days). I remain in awe of the song actually rocking.

http://www.stereogum.com/archives/video/new-smashing-pumpkins-video-tarantula.html

The album leaked over the weekend, but I'm behaving myself and holding off 'til next week to just buy the darned thing. Next week? Tomorrow? Whenever.

The Voice finally got their gallery from the Mermaid Parade up and running.

http://www.villagevoice.com/gallery/0726,0726mermaid,77037,3.html?pic=1&total=39

Mostly SFW - there are some pasties, for anyone who works in a draconian office. There's also the horrifying guy with only a jock strap, protruding pubes, and awful chafing going on, though.

No "September" by Earth Wind and Fire? To be honest, I think your prior DJ is onto something with the standards stuff. My parents both complained at my cousin's wedding that "They played way too much of this rapping stuff" and I doubt they even know who Beck is. But, if your attendees are mostly young people who've listened to music in the time since the 1970s, you're probably in OK shape.

I'm glad your pre-Cana went well, because ours was an unmitigated disaster. Geeta, being not Catholic, is pretty skeptical of the whole Church thing, so I had built this up as "A practical thing, like they'll tell us how to resolve differences and not try to convert you or anything." When the priest got up and talked about how he came from a family with a Catholic mother and a Jewish father, and he wanted any mixed-faith couples to be comfortable, I thought, "Awesome, we are off to a great start."

Then, for the next nine hours in a hot room with about 75 other couples (ours was all in one day), we had this ex-Protestant (they always make the scariest fundamentalist Catholics) ex-Army officer talking over his wife and giving us the following gems:

- He and his wife described "natural family planning" as a 100-percent effective method, and of course added graphic detail about checking his wife's vaginal mucus each morning. - When this guy was discussing his children, he described the first two and then started to move on until his wife added, "And our third son John is great too," and the husband said, "Oh yeah, John ... he's always there if you want to watch sports or something." - And, the defining quote of the day: "If your sister calls you up telling you that 'My husband is beating me and I think my life is in danger,' your first duty is to tell her to stay in that marriage." The air really went out of the room there.

We did little to no group work, and were handed a bunch of pamphlets telling us that birth control pills cause breast cancer. There also was a young couple who briefly talked; they were nice enough, but the wife had perhaps the world's worst-ever posture for someone without a medical condition. Seriously, her slouching was so bad that it was the only thing I remember from her speeches.

Needless to say, it was not a fun day. I did take Geeta out to Chili's for some ribs to make up for the whole thing, so I would say that barbecue sauce did more positive things for our relationship that day than nine hours of religious teaching.

The best part of my recent pre-Cana experience was escaping the retreat center on Saturday night (2-night thing, ugh!) with two other couples and going for beer at Applebee's. We didn't hear from a couple, priest, or woman the whole time. Just one man who, as my now-husband put it, does not appear terribly happy about being married. The one break was the financial planner who was ecstatic about being married--which is saying something because he and his wife had five kids in 3 pregnancies; they had triplets the last time around.

Why is it that the Church so feels the need to deal so badly with folks who want to get married in the Church and, at least to a certain extent, are probably excited about the whole affair? Or maybe it is something that no one takes the time to deal well with.

I am floored by the wife-beating comment, Pat. Astounding. And I know what you're talking about, ad, it's they're scolding us for getting married in the church. Weird.

I had forgotten this bizarre comment the priest made Friday night about how people stopped treating marriage/having a ton of babies seriously in 1971. (2.0, if you remember his exact words, please supply.) Anyone know what he was talking about? We looked up the Pill, Roe v. Wade, Vatican II, but none of them date to '71.

See, I thought a luau would be perfect for your wedding. You can even name the pig after a person or entity you'd love to roast. Like the Republican Party or the Yankees.

I have a really big job interview this week. If it goes well, I could be working for the State of Missouri as an Air Quality Specialists, forecasting skycast alerts and tell companies, "No, you can't put that smoke-stack there...how about here?" At least that's what I think I'll be doing. I'm also wondering if I should have watched Office Space last night.

The interview isn't until Thursday, and I'm past the point of being scared shitless.

I've always thought the smokestack placement in Missouri was sub-par, Miyaa, so get on that and good luck.

The honest-to-God front cover story of that shitpile NY Post today is that A-Rod's wife wore a shirt that says 'fuck you' on the back of it to the stadium yesterday. This is, of course, no big deal, but since the Yankees are a disaster, it'll probably result in someone getting fired. The second comment on Deadspin is priceless:

http://deadspin.com/sports/scandal%21/lord-heavens-now-theyre-cursing-at-yankee-stadium-274217.php

Your mom & I agree that "Dancing Queen" must be followed by the Macarena. We have our hearts set on this.

I've been keeping one ear open for the father-daughter song--there was a really nice one by Tim McGraw (I see you cringing)that I thought captured 2.0's spirit and her fierce love of you. But the lyrics went a little askew. Heard a snippet of something that went "that's my daughter in the water" that seemed quirky but spoke of the dad/ daughter early days that was kinda nice.

Yes, but my mother's favorite CD is the Sister Act soundtrack, so it's generally advised to keep her away from stereo equipment.

Because I enjoyed Freddy V. Jason, Netflix is recommending the WWE's tribute to Eddie Guerrero to me. I... see...

Oh, I forgot to supply the quote of the pre-Cana retreat...During the Natural Family Planning video, one of the 'doctors' being interviewed compared the female reproductive system to tar pits.

So we've got priests who hate Muslims, men who tell their sister to stay married to her abusive husband, and an utter lack of respect for women. Sounds like a trifecta to me. But as my grandmother-in-law said: don't let a bad priest ruin your religion.

Tar pits? Dear God. My head asplode. Oh, I have a good link to that, actually:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEw5BiCa6EA

Nice.

"Long time listener, first time caller....". House that Rock Built "hipped" me to your great cartoons and blog.

Congratulations on your impending marriage!

Your track list: Very alt-cool. I like the choice of Nice and Smooth, but that song is potentially too melancholy at the end. That said, the other person who suggested "September" by EWF maybe on on the right track: If all else fails, the seventies era soul love songs (EWF, Al Green, Bill Whithers, Commodores) are both classy and get people moving and tend to get people dancing without being overly mushy.

I'm sorry to hear your pre-Cana was so bad. As this is the first time a lot of people actually come in contact with the Church since Confirmation, I would think this would be a real opportunity to reach out to them.

But that said, I wish you and yours a wonderful marriage, one that reflects the closeness and love in the Trinity itself.

Mom, I love you , but we will not be playing the Macarena at our wedding and I HATE Tim McGraw. There is no debate here. My word is final.

Thanks, man. Since it's always my thing to make stuff sound a hundred times worse than it was, I should probably really say that our pre-Cana was actually alright - after Fr. Hate-a-lot got done, it really zipped right along and there were plenty of laughs and some useful stuff about communicating, stuff like that. Probably the worst thing about it was that it was gorgeous outside on Saturday, and 2.0 was a bit under the weather.

We've got to meet with our DJ sometime in the next week or two. The handy thing about him DJing clubs and stuff, he can read the crowd and adjust on the fly. Which makes me feel better about the non-traditional playlist.

Hey... quick thanks to all the KC tips from Friday.

Trip was good... Kaufmann is a lovely place. It seemed a little subdued (granted the two teams playing are at the bottom of the AL Central) but definitely somewhere you could take the kids to see a game.

We voted for Gates, since it was closer to where we were staying in Independence, for some 'Cue... the brisket was phenomenal... I've had better ribs, but the smoked ham was excellent as well. And yeah, the insincere "May I help you's" got a little old.

I'd say Kaufmann is definitely worth the trip (as did the couple from Saskatchewan who sat next to me!)

Thanks again!

Oh, man, I had to write a report on Saskatchewan in third grade. I remember nothing of it.

Our DJ was a club DJ too, and claimed to be able to read the crowd...somehow, despite my clear instructions for no easy-listening during dinner we got a ton of Kenny G...what this says about our wedding guests I'm not sure I want to know...

Grafe and I were seriously getting down to the Kenny G, man.

I was at the Bronx Zoo Saturday, which walkway was yours?

Zero

You have succeeded in confusing me. I apologize in advance if I have missed something achingly obvious and ruined a joke..