Comic for Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

Posted: 8:40 am, Wednesday, February 28th

I actually took this defensive driving course about three years ago, before I had started doing the strip but after I had pretty much made up my mind to do it. I spent most of the class doing absent-minded doodles of Five Bucks, in addition to a few of He-Man and Skeletor, for some reason. Anyway, I haven't seen the scooters with motors since I left Queens two and a half years ago (to the day, tomorrow, actually), but they were basically those ridiculous Razor things with what looked like chainsaw engines attached to them. I'm sure they were a sign of great status to the fifteen-year olds that had them, but they were the lamest freaking things. Also, as with most strips I wrote (or conceptualized) a long time ago, this one didn't come out quite the way I liked it, although I kind of like Mr. Goldstein.

These rules about wearing a team jersey came from a link within a Deadspin link yesterday, and I kind of like them. It's even written from a Cardinals’ perspective, for 15’s benefit. Some good rules in there, especially the five-year one. I came dangerously close to buying 2.0 a Damon jersey-tee at one point – I balked because she’s not one for sleeves, even t-shirt sleeves, not because of the $25 price tags, jerks – and that would be disastrous now. That’s why if I ever for some reason decide to go with a personalized jersey, I’d go with Spaceman Lee’s 37.

I also wrote some uber-long rant about the NFL draft and the Brady shitstorm that refuses to go away, but I'm going to exercise some editorial control and realize that no one really cares about that, not even me. Instead, go read everything Fire Joe Morgan's done over the last week or so. That site getting amped back up to a daily update is probably reason number five I can't wait for baseball.

I'm reading a book by Daniel Ellsberg right now. He was the guy who leaked the Pentagon Papers back in the day. It's a pretty interesting book - by far the most thorough history of 'Nam I've ever read (and I still barely understand what's going on) - but he really needed a ghost writer or a few classes on constructing a narrative. It's better now than the early chapters were, but there had to be a way to make this a bit .. I dunno, not 'lighter,' since it's about bombing a country into oblivion, but 'less dense' or something. Basically, you're never not aware that you're reading something written by a guy who researched economic theory and applied it to military operations for a good chunk of his life. It's killing my books-per-month rate.

And ... cut.

bullfrog

Hey, long time no read. (Traveling for nearly a month without any kind of internet access has become rather brutal.)

I recall a rule from a old ESPN Radio show, now Sporting News radio show, Todd Wright Tonight. His rule was pretty simple: you should not wear more than one team at any time, no matter which sport(s) are involved. That is, you should not be sporting a San Diego Charger's jersey and a New York Yankees hat. He called it cross-dressing or cross-jerseying, or something like that. I think it would solve a lot of the fanatical fashion faux pas.

Coincidentially, I never did take a driver's education course. Of course, I didn't get my own car until my senior year of college, pathetic as it sounds.

Oh, yeah. The Volvo/BMW feature that allows the car to parallel park for you? That just sounds fabolous. I could never get the hang of parallel parking.

Parallel parking is all about the 45 degree angle. Once you grasp that, your golden.

Man, I parallel parked this one time near the Madison theater in Albany right before I left to move down here. My buddy Starky and I were seeing the Legend of Drunken Master, and I was running a bit late, so I had to make a try at this really narrow spot. I kid you not, I shoehorned my car (a slim '87 Toyota Corolla hatchback I bought off some nuns for fifty bucks) into a space with two inches of clearance off the front and back bumper, perfectly aligned next to the curb. I wish I had a camera with me. It was my single greatest parallel parking job ever. Perhaps *the* single greatest parallel parking job ever. I am a great, great man.

Sorry, got carried away there. I never really realized you could get away without being able to parallel park until I was talking with a friend of mine from another part of the country. I guess in cities that have "space" to "live," there are these things called "parking lots." Frankly, I put as much stock into these parking lots as I do the sasquatch, but, whatever.

I think we had to be able to parallel park to get our driver's license. MJ, confirmation?

I have some nice paint scratches on my back bumper from being an eternal optimist when it comes to parallel parking. Luckily my car is mostly plastic, so I don't think anybody else got damaged.

I have to say there is nothing like mastering parallel parking until you have to do it with a very big vehicle or a manual transmission. I perfected my skills in a Red Cross truck in Chicago. Of course it does help when you aren't quite as concerned about 'nudging' the other vehicles.

In related driving news, Virginia is talking about banning teenage drivers from all cell phone use while driving. This can't be a bad thing.

And in Virginia-is-still-fighting-the-Civil-War news... the legislature voted not to form a commision to plan Abe Lincoln birthday festivities (200 years in 2009 I think). As one delagate pointed out, 'that man sent armies into Virginia to destroy it'. (I'd link to the article, but it is archived $$).

I had to take a defensive driving course in NH growing up. It was taught by a guy named Sandy Shaw who was an ex-Navy Seal. The only thing I took away from it was knowing that Sandy Shaw would be able to defeat me in armed combat.

e - Ive been running low on political rhetoric since the last election. Good Virginia mud flinging contests are fun to watch, rather harder to stomach.

Grafe - I can't confirm. I took the private driver ed course instead of the school one so that I wouldn't have to wait another year. The cutoff was "on or before July 30", and I was born the 31st. To this day, I think somebody just didn't figure the correct number of days in the month of July.

3rd-party observers would probably note that I'm not nearly as good at parallel parking as I think I am.

Isn't there some stat (lies, damn lies, statistics) about how 80% of people consider themselves above average drivers?

Wood - VA is a little crazy. I am flabergasted by some of the stuff that comes out of the southern 4/5th of the state. Maybe we really need a Republic of Northern Virginia to complement the Commonwealth!

However, Maryland is not so sane itself (and I have yet to see these out on the road...): Lawmaker comes down on plastic gonads February 22, 2007 ANNAPOLIS, Md. --Fake bull testicles and other anatomically explicit vehicle decorations would be banned from Maryland roads under a bill pending in the state legislature. The measure was filed in the General Assembly Monday by Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr., R-Washingon, who says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500. "It's time to take a stand," Myers told The (Hagerstown) Herald-Mail. The American Civil Liberties Union objected to Myers' bill. "The legislation is overly broad, and would probably make it illegal to have a sticker on your car of the Venus de Milo from an art museum," ACLU of Maryland spokeswoman Meredith Curtis wrote in an e-mail. Pamela Campbell whose Bullhead City, Ariz., business sells fake bull testicles, suggested that the swinging decorations can prompt healthy discussions about anatomy and reproduction. "Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?" she asked. "Where does it stop?" Last week, Arizona's legislature rejected a measure that would have banned vehicle splash guards bearing racist terms or silhouettes of naked women.

Sorry, Bullfrog, Barney once paralleled and ended up with his Jeep Cherokee touching both the cars in front of and behind him. I shit you not.

No, the point was that I didn't touch either car pulling in. I don't know how it was physically possible.

I don't understand folks who live in the outer boroughs of NYC and drive nice cars. 95% of the parking in Brooklyn and Queens is street parking, and people park by feel. A beater is the exact sort of car for that sort of environment.

MJ- i thought we had to parallel park for the road test at the DMV? or did your fancy pants private school driving class let you bypass the road test too?

Wait, did I have to take a road test at the DMV? Dammit man, stop confusing me!

I seem to recall that in New York state, hitting the curb parallel parking is an automatic fail. This seems really harsh, even still. I know a girl that failed the test three times because of this.

Why is spring training awesome? Because Goddamn Rick Ankiel was the player of the game in the first game of the spring.

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/mlb/scoreboards/today/