Comic for Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006

Posted: 7:40 am, Tuesday, October 3rd

Wow, I'm listening to the NewsHour podcast right now, and they're talking about the Rochester district Representative's reelection campaign. It's not going well, because he's a Republican. 2.0 would be really excited to know about this, but she's asleep. Hot damn, the dude he's up against, Massa, is royally antiwar, and ex-military. He's also for splitting Iraq into three, which has been suggested by some of the more erudite jive-talkin' bloggers out there in the 'sphere. Check this report out. (Verdict on the NewsHour podcast - it's excellent, but sometimes difficult to follow because it's unadapted from the television version.)

I'm sure most of you have already seen or heard this, but I felt like an inexplicable laugh just now, so I queued up the Coach O song. Yawyawyawyawwwwwwyaw-yawyaw football! I'm really glad I didn't wake 2.0 up with my laughter, because there's no way to explain that song and why it's funny a) in less than five minutes, and b) without sounding demented. (This link is better because you get to hear him talk normally first, just I can't guarantee it'll be there in the morning.)

I've been so wrapped up in Foley's slimebucketness that I totally forgot Bob Woodward was on 60 Minutes this past weekend. Kissinger?! Seriously, Kissinger's back? Oi, vey.

Every once in a while, a product so astounding comes along that I actually swear out loud at my desk. And not, like, an under the breath, “Holy shit,” whispered with all the cinematic importance that someone scanning a computer monitor in an early 90s “technothriller” would swear. An out-and-out, “Fuck!” of unwelcome surprise emitted from my mouth when I saw this mutant corndog.

Time for the annual Five Bucks to Friday completely insane baseball preview. Two years ago, I correctly called the Sox over the Cards, and last year, I took things a bit far and incorrectly called the Sox beating the Padres in a cage match. This year, the Red Sox decided to give the small market teams from the NL Central the spotlight, and stopped playing in mid-August. Awfully nice of the boys, no?

So! Oakland and Minnesota get “the party” started tomorrow, and hopefully ESPN will license the delightful music of today’s finest troubadours, the Black-Eyed Peas, to mark such an event. God, I hate that “music.” Speaking of music, I was actually going to make it through today’s post without mentioning the Hold Steady, until I remembered that they’re from Minneapolis. I was going to call the series for the Twins, anyway, on account that I dislike the A’s, but now it’s not even going to be close. Joe Mauer (who is not my cousin) will hit for the cycle, and Joe Morgan will mention that he hasn’t gotten a chance to see the Twins or the A’s play in person yet this year.

Chris Carpenter gets the start for the Cards, and I really did not think Mike Piazza would ever see the playoffs again.

The Tigers have to go to the only place on Earth worse than Detroit. Accustomed to playing in a city with such an incredibly demoralized fan base as Detroit, the Tigers will react positively to the scorn and vitriol heaped upon them by the Human Goiters that populate the Pit of Hell, because any reaction is better than the deafening silence of Comerica National Park. (I kid, kind of – I don’t know what Detroit’s attendance has been like this year, but I’m assuming it’s pretty good. Still, the mouth-breathers come out drunk on lighter fluid in the Bronx in October, and it’ll be effin’ loud until things go wrong.) Anyway, spurred on by loud noises, and loving lamp the way they do, the Tigers will utterly shock the Goat Fuckers, who will immediately begin fighting amongst themselves. A-Rod will strike out, get booed, and cry. Giambi will attack him, with the help of his similarly steroid-addled brother, and Jeter will wear that shit-eating grin of his and say, “As captain of the team, it’s not my responsibility to stick up for him when he’s getting beaten to death with first base.” Tim McCarver will orgasm over how Jeet leads by example, and Bernie Williams will decompose in front of a shocked nation. Steinbrenner will go all 1977 and torch the Pit of Hell to collect on the insurance. Unfortunately, he will not wait for the stadium to empty, and the winner of the Twins-A’s series will receive a free pass to the World Series because none will escape the conflagration.

Over in Flushing, New Yorkers over 65 will have a hard time deciding who to root for. I say this honestly – my mom is still a Dodgers fan, although it took her a while to get over O’Malley’s douchebaggery back in the 50s. (I think she made the leap to the LA Dodgers only because she was of the age where sports weren’t *as* important to her as they were five years prior or five years in the future. She was pretty far along in high school, had four younger siblings to help take care of, and I assume ’55 had satisfied some of her youthful longings.) Anyway, I am utterly unable to make a pick here. The Mets have more or less become my NL team because they have a good broadcast team, and they’re in my city and all, but, I mean, Mom’s a Dodgers fan and I will always love Nomar. Wait, I just remember Grady Little is coaching the Dodgers. Mets in three. Grady will make so many bad decisions that he won’t even be able to get out of the subway after leaving Shea after Game Two. He’ll just ride the 7 back and forth, shaking and sweating. This will provide a brief lift to the Dodgers faithful, as Tommy Lasorda will come out retirement to manage the third game, out in LA. Unfortunately, if you’ve seen those bizarre Playoff marketing pieces MLB has put out – I think there was one in SI recently – Lasorda looks terrible. Mets in three.

Meanwhile, back in San Diego, Tony LaRussa has managed the game into a four-day seven-inning affair to date. Selig gives them another day to try and settle the matter, during which three outs and ten pitching changes are made. Eventually, the Cards win game one, and, since it's early November at this point, they are awarded the divisional series. The Cards go on to face the Mets, while the Twins sit around Minnesota waiting for their World Series opponent to be decided.

The NLCS gets off to a strange start when the crazy-haired Jose Reyes disappears into the funk-free zone left behind wherever David Eckstein wanders. The Mets are further handicapped when the cache of reaching the LCS attracts a higher quality of tail to Shea - Lo Duca disappears entirely. Their bench thus depleted, the Mets are at a major disadvantage. Pedro brings his midget out of retirement to try and rally the troops, but 15's unexpected development of telekinetic abilities proves too much for the 'Mazin's. Glavine begins vomiting blood under the sheer weight of 15's desire for the Mets to perish. Cards in four, although even though the Mets are reduced to pulling people out of the stands and throwing black jerseys on them, La Russa continues to make multiple pitching changes per inning.

The Cardinals report to the Metrodome during the third week of Advent, to find a healthy Liriano and Santana awaiting them. Theoretically healthy, at any rate - the Latinos have long since been frozen solid by the harsh Minnesota winters. Justin Morneau, in the long lay-off since the Twins beat the A's, has succeeded in talking Joe Mauer into joining the Wild with him. The Twins are left with precious few players, a recurring theme because I can't really come up with anything else to talk about right now. Unsurprisingly, Isringhausen blows three saves in the Series, even though the Twins forfeited to the Cards. Cards in four, by idential scores of 9-0, 9-0, 9-0, and a clinching score of 9-2, although no one will understand that one. ESPN will not cover any of the last two months of the playoffs, because Barry Bonds is a mere twenty-something homers from Hank Aaron's record. As he has been for months at this point.

So there you go - St. Louis, your World Series champs. Stone. Watch the games if you must, but now that you know what's up, it's really just a waste of your time.

bullfrog

Go Massa! Beat Kuhl!

Actually I can't see how Massa could lose with Kuhl's hair being as bad as it is. My parent's district Rep. is Louise Slaughter (D!) and has been in office for as long as I have kept track of these things...that is to say, the Clinton administration. Monroe county is quite conservative, so it's no small thing that she's maintained her seat this long.

Told you she'd be excited.

Just gave Beck's new one a listen-through on my ride in. Early returns are positive - I think I may even like it better than Guero, although none of its songs are as awesome as Que Onda, Guero. Further inspection is necessary.

By the way, man, the F was slower than hell today. Took me an hour twenty to get in. It's usually 45 minutes. We weren't stopped for any great length of time, just never approached full speed. Double-you tee eff, F-train?

I have decided to root for the Dodgers. Go 2004 Sox.

Really, I'd be happy for any team that's not the Goat Fuckers or the A's. I just don't care much for the A's.

World Series Champion Cardinals, I like it. I also like that we're taking revenge on the Twins for the 1987 World Series.

I also like that I'm going to have telekinetic powers.

By the way, my debut album comes out today!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000H7JDCM/ref=pd_rvi_gw_1/002-8362429-3748052?ie=UTF8

I don't know if anyone knows this, but it's Five Bucks policy to not photographically represent myself, 2.0, or just about any individual person on this website. The exceptions are: Ben LaMora, since I put a picture of him up on, like, the second day of the site; anything art-y; people in I'd Hit It pictures; and stuff from the news. Aside from that, I try to keep this pretty photo-free.

Which is the only thing keeping me from having 2.0 take a picture of me looking serious and douche-y to put at the top of every blog entry like ESPN has on their stupid site.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/columns/story?columnist=schlabach_mark&id=2610553

One of my all-time favorite episodes of Seinfeld was on last night. I think it's the one that made me a Seinfeld fan, actually. The one where they're waiting in the Chinese restaurant for the entire episode? If I had to give an extraterrestrial one single episode of one single show in order to explain our society, I may give them that one.

What is this 3-d nightmare enhanced gameday nonsense for the Cards-Pads on mlb.com? Yikes!

This is crazy...apparently the small plane that ran into the big plane in Brazil survived and there was a NYTimes reporter on it... http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/03/business/03road.html