Comic for Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

Posted: 7:50 am, Wednesday, June 28th

Live! From my day off! We're going to liveblog Maury Povich. I've been wanting to pull this one for a while, but I haven't been home when this show's been on in quite a while. If you haven't seen the Maury Povich show in a while, it has basically become non-stop paternity tests where the woman has generally slept with most of her area code and the suspected baby daddy sits around with a stunned look on his eye when he learns that the kid in question is not his, despite the fact he didn't think it was. High quality family entertainment, here.

I Know You Cheat on My Mom, I'll Prove It!

We start off with Almarita, who claims that her brother-in-law is the father of her one-year old daughter. Wait, no, she admits that she slept with Rashard, her brother-in-law, but wants to prove that her husband is the father. That makes much more sense. Almarita wouldn't wish her predicament on anyone - she says the entire town of Waco, Texas, calls her a whore. "Everyone says to me I don't know who my baby daddy is, but I know, it's my husband." Almarita slept with her brother-in-law, she says, because Stephen slept with a member of her family. Stephen doesn't think Ta'Neesiya looks anything like him. "I love my wife, but she's a nasty whore." Excellent. Is Maury still married to Connie Chung? He was in the newspapers a while back, but I can't remember why, exactly. Wow, Stephen is huge. He comes out to the stage to some boos, and Almarita yells.. something. I can't tell if she's trying to rally the crowd in support of - no, no, she is most definitely anti-Stephen. I don't think these two should stay together. Wow, Stephen's sister looks really unhappy with this entire development. Stephanie (Stephen's sister) is introduced to us through a video montage in which 'nasty whore' is thrown around a lot. Rashard seems to have completely gotten off the hook in the entire situation, because as he says, 'I slept with Stephanie, yeah, but she seduced me!' Maury calls him out on this, and there is a lot of yelling and beeping. I've alredy lost five IQ points, and it's 10:07. I think huffing paint is better for your brain than watching this show. Oh, wow, and we're already to the paternity test. Rashard is ... not the husband! Stephen is ... not the husband! Almarita takes off immediately, Stephen yells "give it to the ho!" over and over again, and follows her backstage to tell her that it's over, while Maury tells her that they'll figure out who the father is, and for Stephen not to rub it in.

Thanks to you.. that $60 million transfer went through! No, DeVry Institute, thanks to *you.* And here's our second Hurtline ad in the same commerical break.

Do you need a paternity test because you believe one of your family members may be the father of your child? God, no.

OK, now we've got Heather and Jason. Heather is heavily made-up, and believes that Jason has cheated on her with more than 30 women. I don't know if I even know 30 women. Oh, wow, and one of the women may be a drag queen. Heather's montage is, and I'm not kidding, filmed out back by a dumpster. Seriously. Jason comes out in a low-budget Raiders jersey. OK, the drag queen accusation comes from her calling back the number (back in the 90s, they called this *69-ing, remember that? good times) and the person saying they were a drag queen. Seems solid enough. Wow, she says that she knows he's cheating because she makes him pull his pants down when he gets home and that he 'smells like sex.' Jason's montage is disjointed and insane, and ends in a little rap, signing off with gets to steppin'. True story, one of 2.0's friends dumped a guy, and he told her to gets to steppin'. Jason repeats the the charge that Heather is psycho maybe about seventeen times. Why do these people stay together in the first place? I think there's a sociology paper to write her about the desperateness of our times and our society. Someone get on that. OK, lie detector test. They asked Jason if he had sex with a drag queen. He said no, the lie detector test says, that was a lie. Heather runs off and hides in a corner of backstage. Jason yells that's bullshit and crazy. I think they need to shoot him with a stun dart. OK, and now he's more or less admitting that he got .. serviced somehow by a drag queen, but he didn't have any sexual intercourse. Fair enough, Maury says. I agree, Maury, fair enough! They asked Jason if he cheated on her during her pregnancy, he said no. That was a lie. Somehow, the lie test figured out that he cheated over fifteen times. Jason wants to take the test over. And that seems to be what will happen. Awesome! Heather says he can take it again, but she thinks the test is right. We're shown a segment in which Jason is arguing with the test administrator. Good times.

I'd like to point out that the thesis statement of this episode, I Know You Cheat On My Mom, I'll Prove It! has no been addressed.

Up next: Matt and Jennifer, and the most amazing thing that Maury's ever heard. Matt and Jen went to bed one night and Matt had green boxers on, but when they woke up, he had red boxers on. So she thinks he snuck out, had sex, and got back in bed. She found a note on her car from a woman that said he was cheating on her. Jennifer so far seems to be the most put-together person on the show, as she made it through her video piece without cursing or saying 'slut' or anything. She also said that they came in from the rain one night, and her shoes were dry in the morning and his weren't, so she thinks he went back out to get some lovin'. She's very observant. Matt is relatively coherent in his video piece, also. It is revealed that Jennifer ripped up all his shoes recently. He is wearing slippers. Huh, this show tapes in New York. Wow, and we're already going to the results. This show is paced very quickly - which is sad, because there are evidently limitless fuck-ups out there. Hey, he hasn't had sex with anyone in the course of their relationship! A happy ending! He's never snuck out in the middle of the night! Matt stands up for an ovation and to take a bow. None of this really addressing the fact that Jennifer is completely insane and has cut up his shoes. Oh, that's nice, Maury offered to buy his shoes.

OK, I think half an hour of that is all I can really take. Things seem to end poorly for the next few people, as they show a lot of people punching walls and crying. And right before I sign off, here's the first scooter ad of the hour. We've had Wilford Brimley tell me about my diabetes medication being covered by Medicare, but I was expecting more senior-targeted ads. Those must happen during Price is Right. Oh, man, I should've live-blogged the Price is Right instead. Well, another day when I stay at home.

I had some other stuff, but my stupid computer decided to download some updates and automatically reboot last night without saving the changes I'd made to this post, so you're getting a very abbreviated version of events. Human Goiter v. Sox Fan has a new logo for the week, which I expect to see more of as October gets closer. I am excited for Pedro v. Beckett tonight. Sleater-Kinney broke up - they've got five shows left, including the penultimate down at Webster Hall and the finale at Lollapalooza in Chicago. And the first-ever MySpace nightmare that wasn't awarded with dripping hatred was their band page, since I didn't feel like wading through that cesspool last night.

bullfrog

Dynamite south park reference in the third panel.

Thanks. I hoping that wouldn't just confuse the hell out of everyone.

you SUCK!

Uh.. Spam? Not spam? The world may never know.

those must be some industrial strength sissors Jennifer had to cut through shoes. I'm pretty sure mine would break.

She was using the righteous strength of a crazy lady.

Oh, man, you mean I could've been liveblogging Star Jones quitting the View yesterday? I - yeah, I don't know.

Wow, I didn't even know gerrymandering could be brought up in court. A small triumph down in Mordor. (with apologies to ad)

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/28/washington/2 8cnd-scotus.html?_r=1&oref=login

No worries... We are definitely approaching temperature that approach hellish (though it was a surprising 70 degrees this morning). And if you've ever seen the smog that settles in over Houston, it does bear a striking resemblence to Mordor. But there are lots of folks fighting the hobbit way down here-- maybe we'll even elect a Jewish cowboy poet as our governer in Nov.

Absolutely bizarre story involving my pop's alma mater and Louis Gossett, Jr.

http://www.deadspin.com/sports/college-basketb all/louis-gossett-jr-hoops-savior-184003.php

An Officer and a Gentleman is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

But Iron Eagle I II and III are among the best. Chappy Sinclair is the Burt Reynolds of Airplanes.