Comic for Monday, June 5th, 2006

Posted: 7:43 am, Monday, June 5th

While I'm sure it will sound absolutely pedestrian to anyone who actually has a life, I kept pretty busy this past weekend, doing things like getting up early to run a 5k for some charity or other, watching a bunch of crap from Netflix, going to a Mets game, and buying a suit. Wedding season starts for us this coming weekend, and it's more or less a light load this summer - three. All in Jersey, but, still, well-spaced and not too trying. Probably the weirdest thing is that they're a Saturday, a Friday, and a Sunday. Kind of unusual. The only thing that worries me about the light season is that relatively few of my collitch friends have begun to get married, and 2.0 has not once in the course of our relationship been the cause of a single wedding that we've had to go to. Honestly, it's all my fault, it's all my fault. Ass-hole, ass-hole. Sorry, I started channeling the hockey goons from collitch there for a second. At any rate, it's becoming frighteningly possible that in 2008, we're going to have about fifteen weddings to go to in one summer. Alas, alack!

You know, while I'm very glad that the Sox took two of three from the Tigers this weekend to manage to stay a half-game up on the Goat Fuckers, I really wish nothing but the best for the Tigers. Long-suffering AL Central teams really get me worked up when they start to do well. My ideal AL postseason would be the Sox take the East, the Royals win the Central, the Tigers get the wild-card, and the Twins get the West spot, because the friggin' AL West is a bunch of abominable teams highlighted only by Vlad and Ichiro and otherwise not really worth the trouble it takes to make them exist. You know what's troubling, though? Paragraphs from game reports like this:

Clement, who started to feel a little fatigued, went back out for the seventh inning. But three pitches into the frame, catcher Jason Varitek essentially gave his pitcher the hook, signaling to manager Terry Francona in the dugout.

That's what you want for ten million a year - the guy to get a little fatigued in the sixth inning. Fantastic. I wonder if Theo offered Clement for Wily Mo and offered to eat some of the contract? Because that would've been way better than getting rid of Bronson. But, anyway, I've been to Comerica with Sweaty and Reggie Ho and a fellow named BR - who is in need of a guy - and I think it's a beautiful park. And I think it's fantastic they're getting crowds there. They're a way more deserving crowd than the one located maybe ten miles to the north of me.

Speaking of local crowds (albeit ones deserving of oxygen, let alone a contender), 2.0 and I rolled to Shea yesterday to boo Bonds. Mofo complied by going oh-for-three, but he had an RBI groundout in the 8th against the wildly ineffective Duaner Sanchez that helped push the game to extra innings until the Giants eventually broke through for the W. David Wright hit two homers - making a homer for him in every game I've seen him play in (unless he didn't hit one in the game I saw with 15 earlier this season, which I was just up until now convinced that he had, but for some reason now I have doubt), and the new hot Mets prospect Milledge got his first two RBI on a double in maybe the sixth and then hit a homer in the tenth. So a bright future for the Metsies, and hopefully a pretty bright future now. (Didn't score the game because for some reason the Mets want four bucks for a program and scorecard - yikes, fellas.)

I don't have many links for you, because I was out running around doing crap most of the weekend, but, this is something I never consider, having come from ND, its non-state funding and its coffers deeper than the Vatican’s. Colorado had to cut the tennis program to fund the buy-out of scum-of-the-earth Gary Barnett. What a shame.

Did anyone ever have to watch the movie “Tuck Everlasting” back in grade school? My buddies and I called it “Fuck Everlasting.” We were comedy gods in fourth grade, let me tell you.

I put this up in the comments on Friday, but it was pretty late and I don't want anyone to miss it - an absolutely priceless look at how to cure your local homo through psychiatric treatment. No, honestly, this works. Go ahead and give it a shot.

Despite the fact that I'm something vaguely resembling a designer at my office job, I work on a PC and not a Mac. My coworker just ordered herself a new PC because she's kind of busted the computer she got a few years ago, at the same time I last got a new machine. I myself have been waiting - quite a while - for Vista to come out. Well, fuck me, because here's a list of 20 things (about seven of which I'm capable of understanding) I won't like about Vista. Meh. (This probably should've gone up near the top so I could explain that, yes, I know Macs come with two-button mouses - mice? - these days, but *Pete* doesn't know that, or care.)

Almost forgot to do a MySpace nightmare for the day. This dude's a dummer, which lets me tell my joke about drummers.

What do you a call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Thank you, I'll be here all week (unfortuantely for you). Anyway, one of this guy's testimonials (or whatever the hell you call them when they're not Friendsterized) says

Your video reinerates (potentialy bad spelling) that you are offically the baddest dude around!! Yes i did say "reinerates"

Yes, Jimmy, it's bad spelling. Bad pronunciation, too, since I'm assuming you're going for reiterates, and I can't imagine how noticing the friggin' 't' sound in there. Yeesh.

Finally, since it's pretty clear I don't have much, I just want to say that Charlie Weis is *not* just a Robot Genius sent to save us all from a tOSU national title. He is a caring and loving mechanoid who is raising about a hundred and fifty grand for Autism research with a golf outing. Which is better than the twenty bucks I raised for YAI over the weekend, but not by much.

Oh, and, geez, congrats to MJL and his wifey-wife the Fair JJ on their second suckerfish entering the world over the weekend. Noah Christian was supposed to chill 'til the 20th, but didn't want to get gypped out of cupcakes in elementary school like all us summer birthdays always did, so he was a bit early. Doin' a-OK from what I hear, so bully for him for knowing what he wants and going after it. Cheers, kid.

bullfrog

argh. at least there are still enough sane elected people to keep this from passing. http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/06/05/same.se x.marriage.ap/index.html

Tigers look good until you take a look at the teams they've beaten. Lots of wins over KC and Minnesota in there. Now, we take 3 of 4 this week and watch the panicky deal-making begin.

Zero

How exactly does fighting against gay marriage protect the interests of all. I mean, if two dudes get hitched will the stock market crash? Or will it just cause me to stare at my future wife and scream "It's all meaningless!" before hurling myself from the tallest tower.

MNP, why make an amendment when it's clear that just hitting a hassock with a tennis racket will solve everything?

Beckett v. the Moose tonight - be nice to take the wind out of the Goat Fuckers' sails right off the bat by beating their more-or-less ace.

OK, without getting into a repeat of the other day, here's an article from the Daily News about the CDC budget for bioterrorism to NYC being cut 15%.

http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/423815p -357615c.html

We already know how I feel about this, so there's not really a need to get into it all that deeply, but be sure to check out what some of the approved DHS increases are going to. The craziest one has to be $36,200 to keep terrorists from raising money in Kentucky bingo halls. Wowzers.

Anyone have a spare yellow shirt to send to Thailand? http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/06/05/th ailand.yellow.ap/index.html

I recommend last year's "The Shirt" for any Domer looking to help 'em out. God, that thing was a nightmare.

This is awesome - how to get to a human on customer service lines. http://gethuman.com/

Holy shit, it's happening already! Snake on a plane!

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/new s/14733625.htm

hey! 'Teenage Dirtbag'!!!!!! Awesome song (I thought I was the only dork with that on my iRiver)

Zero

Got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby . . .

I'm going to stop sobbing and tearing out my hair and rending my garments (despair! wrack! ruin! Pujols is on the DL for up to six weeks!) for just a moment, so that I can chime in with you, bullfrog, about the ridiculousness of those $4 scorecards. I've started bringing my own scorebook to ballgames, which has less value as a souvenir but at least it's one less thing to get ripped off on at the ballpark.

And I'm going to Comerica in a few weeks, but I'm not convinced I'll like it. Those huge tigers right outside the stadium seemed very amusement park-esque to me.

Ok, back to despair and heartbreak now.

I was going to e-mail you to make sure that you were alive in wake of the news, 15. Glad to hear that's the case.

I dunno, I kind of have to admire a ballpark that goes so tremendously overboard with the mascot motif as Comerica. My favorite are the big tiger heads with streetlights in their mouths. Good times! Why in God's name are you going to Detroit?

Zero, yeah, it's one of my guilty pleasure one-hit wonders from the iTunes store. Any reference to an IROC-Z gets me like Chris Berman gets leather. (It had to happen eventually.)

In a way, I'm sad to make this post, since I've gotten a flood of Googlers over the weekend looking for info on the Shitwit-Condi love affair. But, in the interest of being a good public servant, Wonkette has much more about it than I'd ever be able to gather up on my own. I haven't read it yet myself, but if you've found this site by Googling "Bush + Condi + Mayflower + Affair" over the weekend, follow this link:

http://www.wonkette.com/politics/condi/crazy-t alk-we-cant-ignore-the-bushcondi-rumors-178417.php

Actually, the best way to get a live voice on a customer-service line is to start swearing. I do it all the time with Verizon DSL customer service -- as soon as I get bored with the menus, I drop an f-bomb or two, and they usually hook me right up with a human being. This doesn't work for every voice-mail menu, but it's always worth a try.

13-2?! What the hell, Red Sox.