Comic for Thursday, June 1st, 2006

Posted: 12:06 am, Thursday, June 1st

OK, not that anyone follows the strip this obsessively, but in case anyone does: In the past, it has been established that Lissa went to NYU. Well, NYU does not have a collitch softball team. St. John's does. So, the new history is that Lissa attended St. John's for two years and then transferred to NYU. I have a bunch of friends who transferred into Tisch as juniors, and even though Lissa wasn't a film student, I'm going to apply that logic here. That is all.

Jim Caple wrote a cool article divining people's personalities as reflected by their activities on the softball diamond. Applying the article to my company softball team, I don't think my company should have any employees.

The Morning News did its regular monthly wrap-up yesterday, highlighting everything from oranges to gummi vitamins, including two Brooklyn restaurants.

The final tale from my weekend, I promise. After stumbling upon the hidden Irish Hunger Memorial and wading through a fleet of tourists sitting in a line that could not possibly be worth it for the Statue of Liberty, 2.0 and I hit up the Soda Shop down in Tribeca. I wish this place had a website, because it's so damned cool inside. It's like the old-time candy counter at a pharmacy from back in the day, complete with all the accoutrements of yesteryear. Bins of old candy (2.0 got clove gum, for God's sake), a soda fountain, and then, you know, old bottles and stuff that are a little TGIF-y, but with class and an actual reason for being there. The chick at the counter looked like Sarah Polley, which is really apropos of nothing, but, you know. Anyway, so, years and years after first wanting one thanks to the sign at Mr. Hooper's store, I finally had an egg cream. I always wanted one as a kid, but then remembered I don't actually like eggs. Well, as it turns out, there are no eggs in an egg cream. I should've taken a picture to help round this story out, but I didn't want to seem a freak. Anyway, egg creams = tasty. Don't know if it's going to become a habit, but it's pretty tasty. And the Soda Shop is a blast to visit. I was smiling the whole time.

OK, so, I always thought I had a hard time figuring out song lyrics. Well, I ain't got nothing on this guy. The National Review lists "the 50 greatest conservative rock songs." None of which are by Ted Nugent, shockingly. Some highlights, with commentary:

5. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice,” by The Beach Boys. Pro-abstinence and pro-marriage: “Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true / Baby then there wouldn’t be a single thing we couldn’t do / We could be married / And then we’d be happy.”

(?!? Dude, it's a bubble-gum pop song aimed at teenagers in a day when you couldn't get a song about sex on the radio. Settle down.)

7. “Revolution,” by The Beatles. “You say you want a revolution / Well you know / We all want to change the world . . . Don’t you know you can count me out?” What’s more, Communism isn’t even cool: “If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao / You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow.” (Someone tell the Che Guevara crowd.)

(I'm going to take a wild shot in the dark and guess that Lennon didn't vote for Nixon. Just guessin'.)

17. “Stay Together for the Kids,” by Blink 182. A eulogy for family values by an alt-rock band whose members were raised in a generation without enough of them: “So here’s your holiday / Hope you enjoy it this time / You gave it all away. . . . It’s not right.”

(Um, families not breaking up aren't actually a conservative value. I don't know any liberal out there advocating fathering a child and leaving immediately. It's insane to argue that. Dear God.)

20. “Rock the Casbah,” by The Clash. After 9/11, American radio stations were urged not to play this 1982 song, one of the biggest hits by a seminal punk band, because it was seen as too provocative. Meanwhile, British Forces Broadcasting Service (the radio station for British troops serving in Iraq) has said that this is one of its most requested tunes.

(Um, no.)

21. “Heroes,” by David Bowie. A Cold War love song about a man and a woman divided by the Berlin Wall. No moral equivalence here: “I can remember / Standing / By the wall / And the guns / Shot above our heads / And we kissed / As though nothing could fall / And the shame / Was on the other side / Oh we can beat them / For ever and ever.”

(I'm astounded he didn't pick the Wallflowers version.)

29. “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Iron Maiden. A heavy-metal classic inspired by a literary classic. How many other rock songs quote directly from Samuel Taylor Coleridge?

(That doesn't even make sense.)

Anyway, the dude goes on to misinterpret some of the best - the Stones, Dylan, the Proclaimers, the Band. (That third one was a joke.) He somehow gets anti-big government sentiments from "I Can't Drive 55." God. I'm amazed he didn't think "Glorified G" was a pro-gun song. Or "Bombs Over Baghdad" was a pro-war song. (Not that I actually have any idea what B.O.B. is about.)

And, working with that, today's MySpace nutjob leads her "Who I'd Like to Meet" section with "Ann Coulter."

And now, something I honestly worry about, should I magically become published:

But, seriously, I am not Ron.

bullfrog

Does anyone know why the Boston Red Sox actually pitch to Vernon Wells? I know I am a day late but there was a fire in my house and it has disrupted my ability to follow baseball.

I thought rock the casbah was about not letting oppressive buttheads run a country. I would think the nation would not be in favor of this song.

Also, I'm surprised Born in the USA didn't make the list. Did they suddenly start listening to more than the chorus?

Inconvenient Truth's got 90% positive reviews!

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/inconvenient_t ruth/

This pisses me off:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/01/washington/0 1security.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

I doubt a terrorist could find Omaha. I'd also have guessed that San Francisco was more of a terror target than LA, but what do I know about the West Coast? Yeah, those are some bullshit funding practices, though.

Wood, my fav was that Wells sat out last night with a sore shoulder that he couldn't remember how he hurt. I'm guessing it was on the friggin' *third* home run. That tires your arms out.

I half-figured that list would've killed you, Grafe, and I can't believe I missed the lay-up with the Born in the USA joke. I've lost the fastball. That list is friggin' priceless, though. "Godzilla" cannot possibly be interpreted to be about anything other than a giant lizard.

Also, uh, hope everything's OK at the homestead, Wood.

Honestly, the list was just such a sad desperate attempt to fit a square peg into a round hole it was nothing but laughable. Rolling Stone pisses me off to a much greater degree on a far more regular basis.

I originally saw that list, by the way, off the AV Club's Hater column, and was just scanning the comments. Someone nominated the Clash's "Killing an Arab" for #51. Jack funny.

Gotta tell ya, the fact that Charlotte has received 12.8 million versus 404 million to NYC seems like a pretty fair distribution. and charlotte getting a whole 3.5 million more next year is, what, 1% of the NYC budget? keep it in perspective - the Times is trying to be sensationalist, but the reality actually seems reasonable. You can't only give money to NYC and DC and tell the rest of the country to fund it. Remember, there was a bombing in Oklahoma...the rest of the country can't be ignored completely. NYC & DC are still getting the majority of the funding, so take a deep breath.

I gotta agree with MNP on this one. NYC gets $20 million more than LA, which is in second place. DC, where one (almost two) 9/11 attack did occur is actually 4th in funding behind Chicago and barely ahead of Newark. (some could argue that Newark is part of the NYC metro area and apply the entire sum).

What I think is more disturbing is that we have to provide a "refresher" course on morals and war ethics to our military.

There was a bombing perpetrated by a US national in Oklahoma, MNP, which we all know has absolutely nothing to do with any of the decisions being made by Homeland Security.

And with ballooning federal spending, I don't think it makes *any* sense to *cut* the two areas that have actually been attacked.

It wouldn't irk me as much - probably - if this administration didn't thump a NYC disaster for all its worth while at the same time ignoring the needs of the city with nonsense like this paragraph:

"New York officials were given a one-page tally that explained, in part, how the region's risk-based standing was calculated. The document said the region had no "national monuments or icons," four banking or financial firms with assets of over $8 billion, 28 chemical or hazardous material sites, as well as nearly 7,000 other possible important, high-risk targets, like hospitals or major office buildings, a tally that some city officials said had major omissions or errors."

And none of this even addresses the fact that if we spent any of this freaking money on fostering international goodwill in the areas where we're gunning down civilians, we'd be doing more to counter future terrorism than any amount of wall-building or camera-installing or whatever the hell it is we're doing now.

By the way, Newark is part of NYC the same way that Baltimore and DC are the same place, E.

Also, in case I'm coming across all worked-up, I'm actually not all that much. Like, the Newark comment isn't meant to be snide - it's just not part of the Metro area in any way, shape or form. I mean, if it is, then NY's part of the money should be going to cover most of southeast Connecticut, also.

on the non-political front, as for the lines at Battery Park: Statue of Liberty: Meh Ellis Island: very, very cool. I was annoyed when Mrs. Zero's visiting aunt insisted we take her out there, but shut my mouth! A litle humbling, really.

When do we get to get really pissed about Arroyo? Zero

I don't think I've ever heard anyone come away from the Statue of Liberty and be blown away. I should get my ass to checking out Ellis, though. It's in line behind the cloisters, though.

And, yeah, sure would've been nice to trade Clement for Arroyo. I doubt the Reds scouts would've noticed. "Eh, cornrows, a goatee - whatever, weird hair is all the same." That kid Pauley last night acquitted himself well through four - I question the wisdom of having a kid who'd never pitched above AA go above 75 pitches to one of the best lineups in the AL, though. Still, got that double play when he needed it.

Are you suggesting that just because a terrorist is a US national that cities should be less prepared to prevent or mitigate damage? Why didn't the major metro areas that were receiving the big $$ in the past use it to make improvements? Is the money going towards ongoing projects or has security been shored up and fewer resources should be required.

I understand that Newark and NYC are physically separate and for sake of arguement equivalent to Baltimore/DC. In both cases, we should probably look at the metro areas as a whole. Is Baltimore reinventing a wheel that DC has already figured out? Can NYC and Newark work together to make the entire region safer (for example, I know that the Newark airport is used by people throughout that region)?

As far as the quote in the NY Times about evaulating the city. It was clearly removed from context. I think it would be interesting to see the entire document it was lifted from to get an idea of exactly what the committee was getting at. These cities had to submit proposals for using the money. I would be curious as to what they submitted.

The major cities have been fortifying themselves for years. True it would be a disaster if they were hit again, but it would be utterly devastating for some of these other cities that aren't as focused and prepared. And we know FEMA isn't in a position to help anyone recover these days. Even though it seems unlikely that Memphis, TN, will get hit(and it did get a big increase in funding) you never know...

"Why didn't the major metro areas that were receiving big $$ in the past use it to make improvements"? What's DC been doing with their money? The NYPD's been busting tail up here and I've got to imagine they're using money they've been getting from DHS to do so. I'm curious at what point you think security's been sufficiently shored up to the point where significantly fewer resources are required, though.

And, no, I'm not saying a terror strike caused by a US national is less awful (hell, at this point it could be more likely). That didn't come out right - I'm kind of swamped at the office and a lot of these are half-formed thoughts. Not the best debate method, I know.

My point is that NYC & DC have been getting money thrown at them by DHS for 5 years now - there should be some improvements already in place (like that anti-hummer wall now surrounding the Washington Monument). What about the cities haven't had any or very little money given to them?? Why can't we spread the wealth?

Also, I think that people who live in NYC should realize that it's this type of news story that really annoys the rest of the country. Yes, NYC & DC are probably most at risk. Therefore, they're getting most of the money. So please realize the rest of us also feel unsafe and that isn't completely unreasonable to give us a tiny slice of the pie. When NYC'ers whine that they aren't getting enough, it just pisses us off. there is America outside of NYC. deal with it.

I'd like to point out that this is a Federal Grant program, which means that each of these cities would have submitted an application that outlines how the money will be spent. If NYC and DC got their funding "slashed," it was because they didn't make a strong enough case for needing the money.

I'm not arguing that Charlotte or Omaha or San Antonio or anywhere shouldn't be getting money (OK, I made that Omaha crack several hours ago). But scaling back the funding for the two cities that are likely most at risk does not make sense.

Fortunately, we are prepared lest anything happen to the Krispy Kreme in Clive, Iowa.

http://www.iowastatedaily.com/media/storage/pa per818/news/2006/01/09/Opinion/Editorial.Krispy.Kreme.Delici ous.But.Not.Critical.To.Security-1321928.shtml?norewrite2006 06011520&sourcedomain=www.iowastatedaily.com

That's an excellent headline. "Delicious but not critical." That's how I'm going to describe good food that I wouldn't necessarily go out of my way for from now on.

Hmmm... maybe if we let the terrorists to get the KKs we can start working on that obesity issue...

Checking in late here... Just wanted to add that Chicago should be able to mis-spend that money in a New York minute.

Also jumping in late after just reading that list of conservative rock songs ... wow! Talk about misinterpretation. I particularly find it ironic that he included "Cult of Personality" as a critique of state power, when our current ultra-con president is more Orwellian than any prez in our history.

Oh, and Lynyrd Skynyrd also sang "Saturday Night Special", perhaps the most anti-gun rock song ever.