Comic for Tuesday, February 7th, 2006

Posted: 12:19 am, Tuesday, February 7th

Before I begin, it is with some pride that I declare to you all that I have mastered the subway. On the way home last night, I managed to nap, on the moving F-train, while standing up. You heard me.

I’ll have you know that I actually did leave the house while 2.0 was gone. I hung out with Crownover for a while on Saturday, trying to convince her that Brooklyn was a place needed to move. Not that she’s really considering a move, but the more friends I can gather into a twenty-block radius, the better. Anyway, despite the crappy weather, the throng at the Tea Lounge, and the fact that the Superhero Store closed about ten minutes before we got there, she seemed to enjoy it. I did actually point out the downside of the Park Slope area, namely, baby strollers freaking everywhere.  

Speaking of the Superhero Store, McSweeney’s had a li’l thing on Crash yesterday. I haven’t seen Crash yet, but have more or less meant to since it’s been released. Same with the two Clooney flicks from last year. Oh well, they’re all on DVD eventually.  

Probably everyone heard this, a Busta Rhymes video filming in Greenpoint over the weekend. One of Busta’s bodyguards wound up dying, which is likely the only reason the Times decided to dedicate some column inches to it. God bless the Times, they try and comport themselves with dignity during it, going so far as to supply Busta’s real names so that they don’t have to call him “Mr. Rhymes.” My favorite section is this one: 

Unlike some recent shootings involving rap artists, their allies and their enemies, the shooting was not likely to have been the result of a squabble between Mr. Smith and possible competitors, investigators said. Considered an elder statesman in the hip-hop world, Mr. Smith largely eschews the verbal backbiting and violence-filled braggadocio embraced by so many rap musicians. 

Compare that with the Post’s front-cover article on this event (keep in mind, we’re in the middle of an illegal war right now, but this is clearly worthy of the front page): 

Mega-rapper Busta Rhymes narrowly escaped death early yesterday as his bling handler was killed in a hail of bullets after several rowdies were booted from a Brooklyn soundstage where the performer was shooting a celebrity-studded video. 

“His bling handler.” Awesome. Since whenever I knock the Post for being a terrible newspaper/mouthpiece of the Bush administration, I usually compare it to the Daily News, it is only fair to note that the Daily News also put this relative non-event on the front page. 

I know where Tree will be on April 26th. 

Al Lewis died over the weekend. He was Grampa Munster on TV, and also the first man I ever cast a ballot for in a gubernatorial election. He ran for governor of New York in 1998 on the Green Party ticket. I can’t believe he lived on Roosevelt Island – that blows me away. Roosevelt Island is the craziest place in the city. Also, awesomely, there seems to be some conjecture over many aspects of Grampa Munster’s life, including his age, which was somewhere from 82 to 95. Anyway, I actually wrote a story that somewhat featured Al Lewis back in my junior year at Notre Dame. The assignment was to find an item in the classifieds of the newspaper and write a story about it. I’m not sure if I still have the classified ad or not, but I, for some reason, selected an ad about an old AB Dick printing machine. Here’s the resulting story, which I just read for the first time in years – it doesn’t hold up particularly well, and I clearly was just making things up as I went along, but whatever.

I suppose I should’ve known I was in for trouble when the guy’s house was a shack on an otherwise vacant lot.  It astounded me that anyone who lived in that house could afford a want-ad, but I supposed it was some crazy old guy who had hoarded every cent he made since the end of the Great Depression.  True enough, he turned out to be quite old and gave the impression of being just as crazy.  I gladly gave him the five hundred fifty bucks for the A.B. Dick 367 printing press and plate-maker, and left the shack as quickly as possible.  Didn’t pause to get a receipt or even test to make sure the units were in ‘good working order’ as the ad specified.  I just wanted to get the hell out of there, the old guy was creeping me out.

I needed the plate-maker more than the A.B. Dick unit.  All I knew about the A.B. Dick company was that they had a building on Western Avenue back in the early eighties.  I was only about seven at the time, and found it hilarious that a building had the word ‘Dick’ on the side of it.  Apparently, this thing was the direct ancestor of the slick Xerox machine I had in the corner of my home-office.  I put the printing press thing next to the Xerox, a few feet from the paper-feed.  Thought it was a cool reminder of where we had come from, and, if nothing else, I could stick Post-Its on it.  Turns out I always need to remind myself of stuff, I’m awfully absent-minded.

The plate-maker was the real find.  I used it to make old-fashioned looking inserts and covers for my pamphlets and books.  I published novels out of my house, the Joe Alger series of mysteries, maybe you’ve heard of it?  Detective novels set in the forties, a mildly successful series which would be film noir if they ever got turned into films, but I’m still waiting on that one.  As for the pamphlets, I had recently got involved with the Green Party.  Al ‘Grampa Munster’ Lewis was running for New York State Governor in last November’s elections, and I joined his election staff.  Mostly to try and get a connection in Hollywood, I figured the old man had to have some connections, still, but that was wrong.  In the meantime, I actually started to care about the Green Party.  Probably had to do with Beth, one of my co-workers at the Party, more than anything else.  God, she was gorgeous.  So I’d use the plate-maker for some of the ads around the Capital Region. 

The problems all began when I forgot to change the damned toner cartridge in the Xerox.  Actually, before that, I forgot to buy more Post-Its, the first of which would’ve told me to replace the toner.  I was in a big hurry on the way to appear with Lewis before the State Legislature, and was supposed to be bringing one hundred copies a document of some sort, I can’t even remember what the hell it was.  But the toner cartridge was out in the Xerox, and my computer’s printer was broken (sadly, that was on an old Post-It that lost its adhesive and wound up on the ground).  So, in a flash of MacGyver-like inspiration, I fired up that old A.B. Dick thing, and made the copies.  Even got to the meeting on time, too.  Lewis was impressed, thought the copies were unique and likely to be remembered.

Unfortunately, there was an FBI rep of some sort at the meeting, and he recognized something about the copied document.  What exactly he spotted, or how the hell he spotted it, I have no clue.  But he took it back to Washington and ran some tests.  I was filled in on this later, when I was taken ‘downtown,’ so to speak.

Should’ve known when I saw the shack that that nutty old man was a freaking Unabomber knock-off.  Of course, I can’t for the life of me convince the Feds that I only just bought the A.B. Dick thing, and that it wasn’t in my possession when it was used to make copies of a fifteen-thousand word manifesto.  Helps that a) I didn’t get a receipt, b) the old man disappeared and the shack was leveled by the time this brouhaha came about, to make room for a new Rite-Aid of all things, and c) I’m a member of the environment-loving, technology-fearing Green Party.  The home office I have, laden with computers and printers and the like, would’ve told these detective geniuses differently, you’d think, but apparently not.  God, I read that manifesto, it’s terrible.  The grammar sounds like it was written by Jay-Z or someone.  I’d be ashamed to even slap a pseudonym on the thing.  But no acquittal got thrown my way, and I’m doing twenty-to-life in Elmira anyway.  Damn Post-Its, I should sue.

bullfrog

Two bits of randomness not related to today's post (by definition of randomness, I suppose).

[Superbowl] You were clearly emptying a beer during the commercial that featured a brief, full-screen shot of the American flag superimposed on Derek Jeter's face.

[Denmark] Regardless of the actual issue at play, I find it sort of grossly refreshing to see a country besides the US being accused of offending global sensibilities. Is that wrong of me?

Saw the baseball ad, but I guess Clemens just enraged me more, since I don't really remember Jeter in it. It would've been great was if they had superimposed a big question mark over A-Rod's face, as he's changed the country he's playing for eight times. Reggie Ho and I were discussing yesterday that if we all go and eat some Mongolian food, that qualifies us as citizens of Mongolia. We could form our own team for the Classic then.

I must say I'm enjoying watching Jen get her flirt on with the Apple store genius guy. Not that I'm an expert in these matters (cough), but I find the Soho Apple Store guys to be way more flirtatious than the Tekserve guys on 23rd street.

Bullfrog loves Derek Jeter. He wants to marry him.

Bullfrog - Have you seen the videos for "Trapped in the Closet"? There are 12 currently available, and, really, there are no words to describe it.

He lives! For anyone wondering why I semi-continuously make "my dead friend Tree" jokes, Tree just started as a corporate lawyer in Chicago about six months ago. He is usually at work more hours of the day than he would like to be awake for.

I haven't seen 'em, Tree, but I did see his seminal Video Awards performance. It was, how do you say, insane?

Bullfrog loves R. Kelly too. He wants to shoot a home video with him.

Given Reggie's posts today, I'm announcing a boil-your-water warning for all of New Jersey. It's obviously contaminated with something.

No fear. It is likely contaminated but I have a Brita filter that works superbly (or I at least have faith that it does because he never really know, do you?). In fact, I am obviously horribly bored. Welcome to the third year of law school!

As you can see, we here at Five Bucks to Friday are amassing a crack legal squad.

No, no crack involved. Just had a few too many Pop-Tarts this morning. I need a legal squad myself to seek action against the Pop-Tart Co. for making French Toast Pop-Tarts. God, they are horrible. I just finished the box (which I didn't want to do but I had to because it didn't feel right throwing them away) and it was painful. They didn't even have an icy frosting!

I laugh at what the readers who've never met you must think you look like.

French Toast Pop-Tarts. I don't know if I would've had to try those to know they were bad.

So, we've got three months of this ahead of us? Hooo boy.

in reference to one of your links:

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2955/215/16 00/psoutback.gif

it's pretty funny, there are indeed many subaru outbacks around park slope. in fact we have one!

speaking of which, how did things work out for the problem that your nissan was having?

also, are you prepared to potentially embrace 'the rocket' back to boston?: http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/2955/215/16 00/psoutback.gif

also, i think you've 'mastered' your preferred line on the subway when you can get on the train, immediately fall asleep and then somehow wake up, just when the train rolls into your stop.

whoops, wrong link for 'the rocket', here you go: http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/e xtras/thebuzz/

Somethin' up with the access on your link there, Dave. And I thought I just read something about the Rocket re-signing with the Goat Fuckers? I didn't click the link, maybe it was a columnist and not a news article.

I've got the F beat like a rug, then. If I stay awake on the ride home, it's something of a minor miracle.

Forgot how I found that link, too, but I just noticed their babblefish translating contest where they entered some song lyrics - I'm linking to the results, because you can get to the songs from there instead of vice versa. Pretty funny idea. I love the Grand Funk song re-babbled.

http://themukreport.blogspot.com/2006/01/winne r-babelfuck-mistranslation.html

I like that the serious offer includes a slick video presentation. I can just see Theo giggling behind his G5, adding star-wipe after star-wipe to the 20k game against the Tigers in FinalCut.

i tell you, sammy practically gets ran over from the nannys/the moms (sometimes, if he's lucky, the milfs) by those dang baby carriages.

a slight mod on the digital editing of the video for the clemens pitch. all is pretty true, 'cept for theo actually doing the editing. that'll be trusted to jed hoyer & ben cherington, while theo directs and collaborates with peter gammons, bill janovitz, bronson arroyo, et al. on the score.

eric wilbur of the boston globe makes some valid points, many that have crossed my mind, in this potential wooing of 'the rocket': http://www.boston.com/sports/nesn/wilbur/sport s_blog/blog/2006/02/07/retro_rocket_push/index.html

my thoughts are that since the red sox screwed up the 2005 season, the damon free agency, the theo saga, the manny saga, and a few other retarded things, they're looking to save face with this deal.

Oh, I finally saw R. Kelly's national anthem performance. In all seriousness, there was no need for booing. It was a very respectful and darn cool performance. And the people in the ring dancing added a nice touch.

I don't think I ever saw that, Tree - you have a link to video?

I'm not sure if I'm ready to accept Clemens again at any point. I thought I was, then I saw that ad during the Super Bowl. He's still a jerk.

i think the booing at r. kelly would be due to his choice in videos and computer downloads: http://music.monstersandcritics.com/news/artic le_1078331.php/This_Day_in_Music_for_January_22_2006

2003 - Singer R. Kelly is arrested at a Miami hotel on a warrant charging him with 12 counts of possession of child pornography. The Jive artist faces similar charges in Illinois.

Hence Tree's mantra, "Separate the art from the artist."

I'm with #15: Yay for the Jen flirt!

http://www.smithappens.com/video_rkellynationa lanthem.php

Link appears to be sfw.

And watching it again...it's gold, Jerry. Gold.

http://www.smithappens.com/video_rkellynationa lanthem.php

Link appears to be sfw.

And watching it again...it's gold, Jerry. Gold.

http://www.smithappens.com/video_rkellynationa lanthem.php

Link appears to be sfw.

And watching it again...it's gold, Jerry. Gold.

I was wondering, Tree, could you possibly send me the link to R. Kelly's performance of the national anthem?